Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (24 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 22 & 23 of 30

In the last post, we reduced a 67-word paragraph to 22. 67 words cut to 22! Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. We will build it piece by piece, just like the picture above. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to do this.

Approach
1	Why?
2	Result/ Consequence
3	General Example
4	Specific Example

Let’s try these approaches. Look at the cut paragraph again. The second sentence is an example, so that should come later in the paragraph, so just look at the first sentence.

Space missions can help scientists detect approaching asteroids which may hit the earth. Such an event caused the extinction of the dinosaurs.

[23 words]

Now, let’s think.

One: Why would space mission do this?

Let’s add ….

With advances into space, telescopes there can better scan the celestial surroundings, giving earlier forewarning, which can allow space-faring nations to attempt to prevent a strike.

Two: What is the result of this?

Let’s add ….

Conceivably then, a disaster of apocalyptal proportions can be avoided, justifying the advances into this challenging environment.

Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.

Space missions can help scientists detect approaching asteroids which may hit the earth. With advances into space, telescopes there can better scan the celestial surroundings, giving earlier forewarning, which can allow space-faring nations to attempt to prevent the same series of event which saw the extinction of the dinosaurs. Conceivably then, a disaster of apocalyptal proportions can be avoided, certainly justifying the advances into this challenging environment.

[67 words]

I’ve put in some difficult words. Find out the meaning of …

to scan (v)

celestial (adj)

–faring (adj)

an apocalypse (n)

Notice that this new paragraph is the same length as the original one, but now it goes somewhere! The ideas are developed and show progress. This gives a higher IELTS mark.

So, that’s how it is done, and in the next post, we will look at another ‘circling’ paragraph, and practise cutting it down to the real message, then building it back into a real paragraph worthy of a high IELTS mark.

By the way, you can learn more about me at   www.aisielts.com .