Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (18 of 30)

Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 16 & 17 of 30

In the last post, we reduced a 124-word paragraph to 28. 124 words cut to 28. Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. We will build it piece by piece, just like the picture above. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to do this.

Let’s try these approaches. Look at the cut paragraph again.

One significant cause of migration to the cities is the greater number of jobs offered there, which increases the possibility of higher salaries and fulfilling career goals.

[27 words]

Now, let’s think.

One: Why are better jobs offered in cities?

Let’s add ….

Companies need the reliable infrastructure offers by cities, particularly the transport facilities for the delivery and distribution of goods.

Two: What is the result of this?

Let’s add ….

Consequently, most economic activity is concentrated in these places.

Three: What about meaningful examples?

Hence the demographic lure of ever–expanding metropolises, such as New York or London.

Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.

One significant cause of migration to the cities is the greater number of jobs offered there, which increases the possibility of higher salaries and fulfilling career goals. Companies need the reliable infrastructure offers by cities, particularly the transport facilities for the delivery and distribution of goods. Consequently, most economic activity is concentrated in these places. Hence the demographic lure of ever-expanding metropolises such as New York or London.

[68 words]

The original paragraph was a sprawling 127 words, and just circled around, saying little, giving a low IELTS mark. This new paragraph is much shorter (and more appropriate for a short IELTS essay), and the paragraph goes somewhere! The ideas are developed and show progress. This gives a higher IELTS mark.

So, that’s how it is done, and in the next post, we will look at another ‘circling’ paragraph, and practise cutting it down to the real message, then building it back into a real paragraph worthy of a high IELTS mark.

By the way, you can learn more about me at   www.aisielts.com .