Let’s Practice Being Concise (8 of 8)

In this last concision exercise, let’s look at a whole paragraph. This was written by a student in the past, and the essay was about smoking, and how to reduce the amount of smoking in society. The following paragraph is based on a reason for smoking, but the paragraph is very over-written, very repetitive, and not designed well. Can you see the problems?

Try making the following paragraph clearer, better designed, and more concise. The answer will be given and explained in the next post.

Most people start smoking when they are teenagers and are addicted by that time. It is a bad habit that is difficult to break. There are many different reasons why people smoke. For adolescents, the main reason might be that young people are more susceptible to peer-group pressure, and they often have a distorted thinking about this kind of behavior. They think smoking is cool, and a good way to build the bridge of friendship to other people around them.

[80 words]

Answers to Concision 7 of 8

1.

I think this is quite a good model, as well being a practical method to help people who are faced with this problem. [23 words]

… becomes …

This is a practical method to help people. [8 words]

2.

The diagram shows the process of making plastic bottles. These products are made from raw material. [16 words]

… becomes …

The diagram shows the process of making plastic bottles from raw material. [12 words]

3.

The material is subject to a chemical reaction. This causes the reaction of the molecules. Then, due to this chemical effect the material becomes plastic granules. [26 words]

… becomes …

The molecules of the material undergo a chemical reaction, transforming into plastic granules. [13 words]

4.

The plastic interacts with the heating element, which supplies heat in order to melt the plastic into a liquid. [19 words]

… becomes …

The heating element melts the plastic. [13 words]

By the way, go to aisielts.com to get more information and resources to help you get that IELTS 7.