Concision Rides Again (5 of 12)

Remember, being concise helps give you that ‘clear progression’ in your writing (= IELTS 7). If you can make the same point in fewer words, WRITE THOSE WORDS!  You then have time to …

• move on,
• say more,
• and achieve more of the task.

All that helps get you that IELTS 7 (or higher).

Here’s some practice for you.

Try making the following sentences more concise.

The answers will be given and explained in the next post.

1.

From 2004 to 2014, the number of passengers has a moderate growth. It starts at less than 48 in 2004, and is almost 80 in 2014. [26 words]

2.

Not only does online shopping cross the obstacle of space, it also can overcome the barrier of time. [18 words]

3.

An example can certainly be made here. Look at the shopping website, Ebay. It provides … [15 words]

4.

He was blamed for raping and murdering a child, but the evidence later proved that he was not the one who committed the crime. [24 words]

5.

Most people expect their children to marry because of the traditional concepts of life.

6.

For example, the mass school shooting in Florida caused many innocent students to lose their lives. [16 words]

Answers to Concision Rides Again (4 of 12)

1.

Smoking is addictive. As a result, it is better never to be conquered by the idea of smoking in the initial stages of exposure. [24 words]

… becomes …

Smoking is addictive. As a result, it is better never to start. [12 words]

2.

Cigarettes can make them feel calmer. [6 words]

… becomes …

Cigarettes calm them. [3 words]

3.

There is a trend in which one can see that the proportion of males declines. [15 words]

… becomes …

Males decline. [7 word

‘Proportion of’ had already been mentioned a few times earlier, so it quickly becomes clear, and need not be repeated. See my IELTS Writing Task One book, page 66 Item 3.

4.

All of the European regions have a lower proportion of males than that of females, whereas in the Asian area, there is still a higher proportion of men than women. [30 words]

… becomes …

Europe has fewer males, whereas Asia has more. [8 words]

The fact that we are comparing numbers of males to females has been made clear earlier in the answer, and so does not have to be repeated.

5.

Some people think guns are necessary for self protection. When an armed robber invades your house, you can pick up the gun to protect yourself, family members, and property, because you have the guaranteed ability to fight back. [38 words]

… becomes …

Some people think guns are necessary to protect themselves, family members, and property. [13 words]

The fact that you can ‘pick up a gun to protect yourself’ is so obvious it doesn’t need saying, and the rest of the sentence just repeats.

6.

The obesity prevalence among adults for women starts at 14%. [10 words]

… becomes …

Female obesity starts at 14%. [5 words]

By the way, you can learn more about me at   www.aisielts.com .