Concision Rides Again (4 of 12)
Remember, being concise helps give you that ‘clear progression’ in your writing (= IELTS 7). If you can make the same point in fewer words, WRITE THOSE WORDS! You then have time to …
- move on,
- say more,
- and achieve more of the task.
All that helps get you that IELTS 7 (or higher).
Here’s some practice for you.
Try making the following sentences more concise.
The answers will be given and explained in the next post.
1.
Smoking is addictive. As a result, it is better never to be conquered by the idea of smoking in the initial stages of exposure. [24 words]
2.
Cigarettes can make them feel calmer. [6 words]
3.
There is a trend in which one can see that the proportion of males declines. [15 words]
4.
All of the European regions have a lower proportion of males than that of females, whereas in the Asian area, there is still a higher proportion of men than women. [30 words]
5.
Some people think guns are necessary for self protection. When an armed robber invades your house, you can pick up the gun to protect yourself, family members, and property, because you have the guaranteed ability to fight back. [38 words]
6.
The obesity prevalence among adults for women starts at 14%. [10 words]
Answers to Concision Rides Again (3 of 12)
1.
The different cultural customs and spectacular landscapes can be experienced in the foreign countrues at lower prices, whereas it is unlikely for them to have a similar experience at home. [32 words]
… becomes …
These unique customs and landscapes can only be experienced at lower prices. [12 words]
Saying ‘unique’ already means it is ‘foreign’, so ‘foreign’ does not need to be repeated.
2.
Once people smoke, the addictive material within the cigarettes makes them keep smoking for a long time, and sometimes they will never stop. [23 words]
… becomes …
Once people smoke, the nicotines often addicts them to this habit. [11 words]
3.
For many people who successfully quit smoking, the reason is that they cannot afford the cost of buying expensive cigarettes. [20 words]
… becomes …
The reason many quit smoking is that they cannot afford it. [11 words]
By the way, do you think this is true? I personally don’t think so. Smokers will continue their habit, whatever the price. Probably the main reason people quit is because they decide that their health is more important.
4.
Nicotine can raise blood pressure and make people feel much more anxious about life. [14 words]
… becomes …
Nicotine can raise blood pressure and anxiety. [7 words]
5.
Many people face pressure due to the busy work and often complex personal affairs. [14 words]
… becomes …
Many people face work and personal pressure. [7 words]
6.
Instead of exercising, smokers would rather smoke to ease their anxiety and bad feeling. It may not be wrong, since this way is more efficient and effective in some circumstances. [31 words]
… becomes …
Smoking is efficient and effective at easing anxiety. [8 words]
The comment about ‘exercising’ is strange and irrelevant to the issue, hence, it need not be written.
By the way, you can learn more about me at www.aisielts.com .