Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (22of 30): Another ‘Circling Paragraph’
Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). You don’t want your paragraph to be as detailed and confusing as the above picture, do you? Go to my IELTS Writing Task Two book, Tip 15: ‘Organise Your Paragraphs’, which gives two examples of ‘circling’ paragraphs. These paragraphs just repeat, and repeat, and repeat, the same thoughts. The section concludes by saying ..
These paragraphs do not go anywhere. Look at Task Response IELTS Five = ‘Ideas not developed enough’ and Coherence & Cohesion IELTS Five = May have unclear progression’. We want to move far away from these, right? So, ideas need to be developed and show progress.
Let’s look at another example.
Try making the following paragraph more concise.
Remember, it is not just words, but ideas which we do not want to repeat.
Cut them all out to just leave the main message remaining.
Can you then continue the paragraph in a better way?
Space missions can help scientists find any approaching asteroids which may hit the earth. We cannot imagine what a lethal disaster would be caused when an asteroid hit the crowded city. Maybe the dinosaur extinction sixty-five millions years ago can be a good example. The dinosaurs were made extinct by a tremendous blast and the greenhouse effect which was due to a comet crashing into the earth.
Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (21of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 19 & 20 of 30
In the last post, we reduced a 77-word paragraph to 20. 77 words cut to 20. Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. We will build it piece by piece, just like the picture above. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to do this.
Approach
1
Why?
2
Result/
Consequence
3
General Example
4
Specific Example
Let’s try these approaches. Look at the cut paragraph again.
Of all the causes of smoking, the main one is to relieve pressure. Smoking is quicker than other measures, such as exercise.
[20 words]
Now, let’s think.
One: Why do people need quick way?
Let’s add ….
And with the pace of society becoming increasingly rapid, so too does the pressure and expectation for success.
Two: What is the result of this speed and pressure?
Let’s add ….
With this comes the desperate need for relief, yet conventional time-consuming hobbies, such as hiking, are beyond the possibility of the harried city dweller, whereas thequick recourse of a nicotine dose has a seductive appeal.
Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.
Of all the causes of smoking, the main one is to relieve pressure. Smoking is quicker than other measures, such as exercise, and with the pace of society becoming increasingly more rapid, so too does the pressure and expectation for success. With this comes the desperate need for relief, yet conventionaltime-consuming hobbies, such as hiking, are beyond the possibility of the harried city dweller, whereas thequick recourse of a nicotine dose has a seductiveappeal.
[77 words]
I’ve put in some difficult words. Find out the meaning of …
pace (n)
to be conventional (adj)
to be harried (adj)
a recourse (n)
to be seductive (adj)
appeal (n)
Notice that this new paragraph is the same length as the original one, but now it goes somewhere! The ideas are developed and show progress. This gives a higher IELTS mark.
So, that’s how it is done, and in the next post, we will look at another ‘circling’ paragraph, and practise cutting it down to the real message, then building it back into a real paragraph worthy of a high IELTS mark.
Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (20 of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 19 of 30
Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). Let’s keep looking at the paragraph from the previous post, and cut all the circling stuff out of it, and try to make the ‘wiring’ as clear and neat as the above photograph. The original paragraph is …
Of all the causes of smoking that there are, the main one is people face considerable amounts of pressure. Most people in modern society are under a great deal of stress when they work. This stress comes from many sources, such as their supervisors, colleagues, and also customers. Some people will smoke to release their pressure because it is a much quicker way compared to the variety of other methods in society such as exercise or singing.
[77 words]
I will cut this to ….
Of all the causes of smoking, the main one is to relieve pressure. Smoking is quicker than other measures, such as exercise.
[20 words]
Now, that’s clear and neat, right? Just like the above picture. But why did I cut so much out! Why? Well, the first sentence gives the point: ‘pressure’, but it can be more concisely written. However, the second sentence …
Most people in modern society are under a great deal of stress when they work.
… just repeats the first: stress. The next sentence …
This stress comes from many sources, such as their supervisors, colleagues, and also customers
… just repeats the previous, again – being just about ‘stress’. The first part of the next sentence …
Some people will smoke to release their pressure because …
… repeats the ‘stress/pressure’ themes, and then the point is, finally, given
… it is a much quicker way compared to the variety of other methods in society such as exercise or singing.
… although we can make this more concise; simply: ‘Smoking is quicker than other measures, such as exercise.’ (since ‘singing’ is not often done). Putting that all together gives our final results:
Of all the causes of smoking, the main one is to relieve pressure. Smoking is quicker than other measures, such as exercise.
[20 words]
77 words cut to 20. Wow! That first paragraph had so much repetition and unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to think, and we will look at that in the next post.
Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (19of 30): Another ‘Circling Paragraph’
Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). Go to my IELTS Writing Task Two book, Tip 15: ‘Organise Your Paragraphs’, which gives two examples of ‘circling’ paragraphs. These paragraphs just repeat, and repeat, and repeat, the same thoughts, and it’s often messy and confusing, like the picture above. The section concludes by saying ..
These paragraphs do not go anywhere. Look at Task Response IELTS Five = ‘Ideas not developed enough’ and Coherence & Cohesion IELTS Five = May have unclear progression’. We want to move far away from these, right? So, ideas need to be developed and show progress.
Let’s look at another example.
Try making the following paragraph more concise.
Remember, it is not just words, but ideas which we do not want to repeat.
Cut them all out to just leave the main message remaining.
Can you then continue the paragraph in a better way?
Of all the causes of smoking that there are, the main one is people face considerable amounts of pressure. Most people in modern society are under a great deal of stress when they work. This stress comes from many sources, such as their supervisors, colleagues, and also customers. Some people will smoke to release their pressure because it is a much quicker way compared to the variety of other methods in society such as exercise or singing.
Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 16 & 17 of 30
In the last post, we reduced a 124-word paragraph to 28. 124 words cut to 28. Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. We will build it piece by piece, just like the picture above. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to do this.
Approach
1
Why?
2
Result/
Consequence
3
General Example
4
Specific Example
Let’s try these approaches. Look at the cut paragraph again.
One significant cause of migration to the cities is the greater number of jobs offered there, which increases the possibility of higher salaries and fulfilling career goals.
[27 words]
Now, let’s think.
One: Why are better jobs offered in cities?
Let’s add ….
Companies need the reliable infrastructure offers by cities, particularly the transport facilities for the delivery and distribution of goods.
Two: What is the result of this?
Let’s add ….
Consequently, most economic activity is concentrated in these places.
Three: What about meaningful examples?
Hence the demographic lure of ever–expanding metropolises, such as New York or London.
Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.
One significant cause of migration to the cities is the greater number of jobs offered there, which increases the possibility of higher salaries and fulfilling career goals. Companies need the reliable infrastructure offers by cities, particularly the transport facilities for the delivery and distribution of goods. Consequently, most economic activity is concentrated in these places. Hence the demographic lure of ever-expanding metropolises such as New York or London.
[68 words]
The original paragraph was a sprawling 127 words, and just circled around, saying little, giving a low IELTS mark. This new paragraph is much shorter (and more appropriate for a short IELTS essay), and the paragraph goes somewhere! The ideas are developed and show progress. This gives a higher IELTS mark.
So, that’s how it is done, and in the next post, we will look at another ‘circling’ paragraph, and practise cutting it down to the real message, then building it back into a real paragraph worthy of a high IELTS mark.
Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (17of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 16 of 30
Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). Let’s keep looking at the paragraph from the previous post, and cut all the circling stuff out of it. Let’s make the ‘mathematics’ clear and simple, as with the picture above. The original paragraph was …
One significant cause of migration to the cities is that the development between rural areas and those in the cities is not the same. There are distinct differences between the two in terms of the working choices each one offers. In the countryside, there is a shortage which is happening, while in the cities, there is a great deal more on offer for people.This results in the fact that there are more people willing to move to such flourishing places to find a job, which increases the possibilities of earning more money and fulfilling their career goals. For instance, many citizens in Taiwan tend to immigrate to the capital city – Taipei – because it is full of diverse job opportunities, job categories, and chances.
[124 words]
I will cut this to ….
One significant cause of migration to the cities is the greater number of jobs offered there, which increases the possibility of higher salaries and fulfilling career goals.
[27 words]
Huh? I cut so much out! Why? Because the middle part …
the development between rural areas and those in the cities is not the same. There are distinct differences between the two in terms of the working choices each one offers. In the countryside, there is a shortage which is happening, while in the cities, there is a great deal more on offer for people.This results in the fact that there are more people willing to move to such flourishing places to find a job, which increases the possibilities of earning more money and fulfilling their career goals.
… is saying the same thing again and again, or just stating the obvious. It begins with ‘differences’ then ‘shortage …. more’ then ‘people move to cities’ (=repeating the beginning), then moves to … finally … the point: there are more jobs in cities. But ‘differences’ = ‘shortages = more’, and neither are important to the paragraph.
The beginning of the paragraph can be concisely combined with the last part (jobs + money) giving …..
One significant cause of migration to the cities is the greater number of jobs offered there, which increases the possibility of higher salaries and fulfilling career goals.
[27 words]
… which is the real message.
124 words cut to 28. Wow! That first paragraph had so much repetition and unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to think, and we will look at that in the next post.
Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (16of 30): Another ‘Circling Paragraph’
Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). You don’t want something complicated and somewhat meaningless as the above picture. You want to give a message much simpler and more clearly, right. Go to my IELTS Writing Task Two book, Tip 15: ‘Organise Your Paragraphs’, which gives three examples of ‘circling’ paragraphs. These paragraphs just repeat, and repeat, and repeat, the same thoughts. The section concludes by saying ..
These paragraphs do not go anywhere. Look at Task Response IELTS Five = ‘Ideas not developed enough’ and Coherence & Cohesion IELTS Five = May have unclear progression’. We want to move far away from these, right? So, ideas need to be developed and show progress.
Let’s look at another example.
Try making the following paragraph more concise.
Remember, it is not just words, but ideas which we do not want to repeat.
Cut them all out to just leave the main message remaining.
Can you then continue the paragraph in a better way?
One significant cause of migration to the cities is that the development between rural areas and those in the cities is not the same. There are distinct differences between the two in terms of the working choices each one offers. In the countryside, there is a shortage which is happening, while in the cities, there is a great deal more on offer for people.This results in the fact that there are more people willing to move to such flourishing places to find a job, which increases the possibilities of earning more money and fulfilling their career goals. For instance, many citizens in Taiwan tend to immigrate to the capital city – Taipei – because it is full of diverse job opportunities, job categories, and chances.
Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (15of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 13 & 14 of 30
In the last post, we reduced a 82-word paragraph to 18. 82 words cut to 18. Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. We will build it piece by piece, just like the picture above. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to do this.
Approach
1
Why?
2
Result/
Consequence
3
General Example
4
Specific Example
Let’s try these approaches. Look at the cut paragraph again.
One way to reduce smoking is to use tax-mark-ups, which are 15% in my country, for tobacco-related products.
[18 words]
Now, let’s think.
One: Why would tax mark-ups work?
Let’s add ….
Although inevitably resisted by the tobacco lobby, an ethical government can nevertheless prioritise the public’s health, and with the smokers facing higher financial burdens, a reduction in this habit should follow.
Two: What is the result of consequence of this reduction in smoking?
Let’s add ….
In the long term, this will lower the cost of treating the many smoking-related diseases, as well as enhance the lives and productiveness of the smokers themselves, from which all of society benefits.
Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.
One way to reduce smoking is to use tax-mark-ups, which are 15% in my country for tobacco-related products.Although inevitably resisted by the tobacco lobby, an ethical government can nevertheless prioritise the public’s health, and with the smokers facing higher financial burdens, a reduction in this habit should follow. In the long term, this will lower the cost of treating the many smoking-related diseases, as well as enhance the lives and productiveness of the smokers themselves, from which all of society benefits.
[82 words]
This is the same length as the original paragraph, but now it goes somewhere! The ideas are developed and show progress. This gives a higher IELTS mark. So, that’s how it is done, and in the next post, we will look at another ‘circling’ paragraph, and practise cutting it down to the real message, then building it back into a real paragraph worthy of a high IELTS mark.
Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (14of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ 13 of 30
Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). In the previous post, I introduced ‘circling’ paragraphs. These are paragraphs that just go in circles and repeat the same thing. Consider the above picture – it circles, but it is going somewhere. Actually, it would be better if it went somewhere in a straight line! In the previous post, I mentioned that …
IELTS Task Response 5 = Ideas not developed enough
… and …
IELTS Coherence & Cohesion 5 = May have unclear progression.
No one wants an IELTS 5, right? Let’s look at the original paragraph from the previous post, and cut all the circling stuff out of it, and turn it into a straight line.
Although smoking has its advantages, the negative aspects which influence so many people cannot be ignored by society. Many governments are trying hard to reduce the amount of smoking that exists in their countries by enacting laws to combat this issue. A very common way is tax mark-up for products related to smoking. In my country Taiwan, if you want to buy a pack of cigarettes, you have to pay the tax which is equal to 15% of the original sales price.
[82 words]
I will cut this to ….
One way to reduce smoking is to use tax-mark-ups, which are 15% in my country for tobacco-related products.
[18 words]
Huh? I cut so much out! Why? Because the first sentence …
Although smoking has its advantages, the negative aspects which influence so many people cannot be ignored by society.
… was a junk sentence which says nothing. The second sentence …
Many governments are trying hard to reduce the amount of smoking that exists in their countries by enacting laws to combat this issue.
… is still general, and doesn’t say enough to be worth writing. The third sentence…
A very common way is tax mark-up for products related to smoking.
… finally makes a point, and this could be concisely combined with the last sentence.
In my country Taiwan, if you want to buy a pack of cigarettes, you have to pay the tax which is equal to 15% of the original sales price.
… giving …
One way to reduce smoking is to use tax-mark-ups, which are 15% in my country for tobacco-related products.
[18 words]
82 words cut to 18! Wow! That’s less than a quarter of the first paragraph, which really shows that it had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this new sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way – in other words, to extend this thought in a straight and direct line. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to think, and we will look at that in the next post.
Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (13of 30): ‘Circling Paragraphs’
We will now look at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). Lack of concision here often relates to the design of the paragraph – and correct paragraph design is very important in IELTS Task-Two Writing.
Go to my IELTS Writing Task Two book, Tip 15: ‘Organise Your Paragraphs’. On Page 116, you will see that it mentions, ‘even if there is one clear topic, which is supported, there can still be problems inside the paragraph.’
The book then gives three examples of ‘circling’ paragraphs – that is, paragraphs which just repeat, and repeat, and repeat the same thoughts. The section concludes by saying ..
These paragraphs do not go anywhere. Look at …
IELTS Task Response 5 = Ideas not developed enough
… and …
IELTS Coherence & Cohesion 5 = May have unclear progression.
We want to move far away from these, right? So, ideas need to be developed and show progression.
‘Circling paragraph’ are common, and responsible for low IELTS scores. In the rest of these ‘concision’ posts, I’ll look specifically at this problem, and show you how to fix it. Remember, this is very important for your IELTS mark. As the picture above shows, although the scenery may be very complicated, the road clearly goes somewhere. So too does the writing in your paragraph.
Try making the following paragraph more concise.
Remember, it is not just words, but ideas which we do not want to repeat.
Cut them all out to just leave the main message remaining.
Can you then continue the paragraph in a better way?
Although smoking has its advantages, the negative aspects which influence so many people cannot be ignored by society. Many governments are trying hard to reduce the amount of smoking that exists in their countries by enacting laws to combat this issue. A very common way is tax mark-up for products related to smoking. In my country Taiwan, if you want to buy a pack of cigarettes, you have to pay the tax which is equal to 15% of the original sales price.
[82 words]
Answers to Concision 12 of 30: Sentences
One
These two pie charts given make a comparison of the composition of exported Australian products in two different years, which respectively are 2005 and 2010. [25 words]
… becomes …
The charts compare the changes in Australia’s exports in 2005 and 2010.[12 words]
Two
Some proponents of possessing guns might say when the citizens have guns, they can use these weapons to protect themselves, or their members of family. [25 words]
… becomes …
Gun proponents say their weapons protect them and their family.[10 words]
Three
Co-education benefits students not only in their academic development, but also in the way they learn to socialise more effectively. [20 words]
… becomes …
Co-education benefits students not only academiclly, but also socially.[9 words]
Four
With inflation of prices, there are many stores now raising their prices, especially in tourist attractions, so it may cost the same amount of money to travel abroad. [28 words]
… becomes …
With tourist attractions raising their prices, it may cost the same to travel abroad.[14 words]
Five
Many people are now travelling for tourism purposes to foreign countries all over the world, and ignoring the opportunity to travel to places in their own countries. [27 words]
… becomes …
Many tourists are now travelling internationally, rather than domestically.[9 words]
Six
Some people may argue that it is better to stay in the same career. They say that doing this would help people to accumulate more experience. [26 words]
… becomes …
Some people may argue that staying in the same career helps accumulate experience. [13 words]
Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (12 of 30): Sentences
Remember, being concise helps give you that ‘clear progression’ in your writing (= IELTS 7). The picture above is an incredibly complex mixture of countless trillion sandgrains and rock particles, but that’s not what we see, is it? We just see the elegant and beautiful simplicity of those structures. In the same way, when writing, if you can make the same point in fewer words, WRITE THOSE WORDS! You then have time to …
move on,
say more,
and achieve more of the task.
Here’s some practice for you.
Try making the following sentences more concise.
The answers will be given and explained in the next post.
One
These two pie charts given make a comparison of the composition of exported Australian products in two different years, which respectively are 2005 and 2010. [25 words]
Two
Some proponents of possessing guns might say when the citizens have guns, they can use these weapons to protect themselves, or their members of family. [25 words]
Three
Co-education benefits students not only in their academic development, but also in the way they learn to socialise more effectively. [20 words]
Four
With inflation of prices, there are many stores now raising their prices, especially in tourist attractions, so it may cost the same amount of money to travel abroad. [28 words]
Five
Many people are now travelling for tourism purposes to foreign countries all over the world, and ignoring the opportunity to travel to places in their own countries. [27 words]
Six
Some people may argue that it is better to stay in the same career. They say that doing this would help people to accumulate more experience. [26 words]
Answers to Concision 11 of 30: Sentences
One
There are several factors contributing to this phenomenon, and out of them all, addiction is probably the biggest one. [20 words]
… becomes …
Addiction is probably the biggest factors contributing to this phenomenon.[10 words]
Two
Capital punishment will deter criminals from committing another crime.[9 words]
… becomes …
Captial punishment will deter criminals.[5 words]
Three
In order to prevent a mass extinction from happening again, particularly in relation to human existence, governments need to act. [20 words]
… becomes …
In order to prevent human extinction, governments need to act.[10 words]
Four
Generally speaking, coal was the dominant product, accounting for the largest proportion of all the exported merchandise. [17 words]
… becomes …
Generally speaking, coal was the dominant export.[7 words]
Five
The other types of products composed all the remaining percentages, which when combined together were approximately 15%. [17 words]
… becomes …
The other types of products together amounted to 15%.[9 words]
Six
The remaining exports are fish, vehicles, and meat. The proportion of these three categories did not change much. [18 words]
… becomes …
The remaining exports: fish, vehicles, and meat, did not change much.[11 words]
Remember, being concise helps give you that ‘clear progression’ in your writing (= IELTS 7). The picture above is very complicated, made up of a million parts, but what we see is something beautifully simple and simply beautiful. It’s clearly ‘just’ a bee getting nectar from a flower. It’s simple, right? In the same way, if you can make the same point in fewer words, WRITE THOSE WORDS! You then have time to …
move on,
say more,
and achieve more of the task.
Here’s some practice for you.
Try making the following sentences more concise.
The answers will be given and explained in the next post.
One
There are several factors contributing to this phenomenon, and out of them all, addiction is probably the biggest one. [19 words]
Two
Capital punishment will deter criminals from committing another crime.[9 words]
Three
In order to prevent a mass extinction from happening again, particularly in relation to human existence, governments need to act. [20 words]
Four
Generally speaking, coal was the dominant product, accounting for the largest proportion of all the exported merchandise. [17 words]
Five
The other types of products composed all the remaining percentages, which when combined together were approximately 15%. [17 words]
Six
The remaining exports are fish, vehicles, and meat. The proportion of these three categories did not change much. [18 words]
Answers to Concision 10 of 30: Sentences
One
Crime rates have a strong association with the number of guns possessed by the people living in the society. If more people possess guns, the crime rate will also increase. [30 words]
… becomes …
Crime rates usually correlate with the number of guns possessed.[10 words]
The second sentence just repeated the first. So, combine them together, and put a ‘usually’ to make it less 100%. However, the sentence is still not that logical, since there is the ‘how do you know?’ issue.
Two
Gun owners sometimes use guns for mass shootings.There was a news report that in Las Vegas, there was a mass shooting which caused many people to die. [28 words]
… becomes …
Gun owners sometimes use guns for mass shootings, such as in Las Vegas recently.[14 words]
This is a typical example of ‘over-writing examples’. See my IELTS Writing Task Two book, Exercise 47, Part II, Item 3 (page 121 and 128).
Three
Nicotine is a highly addictive drug, which makes people want to keep getting more of it, and thus it becomes a habit which they cannot quit easily. [28 words]
… becomes …
Nicotine is highly addictive.[4 words]
The second part of the original sentence just defines ‘addiction’ – which is not necessary. The reader knows what ‘addiction’ means (= wanting more & not being able to quit).
Four
The youth think smoking is the way to behave which makes them look like an adult. [16 words]
… becomes …
The youth think smoking is adult behaviour.[7 words]
Five
There are a variety of solutions which can be used to reduce the amount of smoking. The most effective of these methods would be to …. [26 words]
… becomes …
The most effective method to reduce smoking would be to ….[10 words]
Six
This loses the good preservation of the home countries’ traditional customs, since people do not pay attention to those traditions in the country as much as before. [27 words]
… becomes …
This causes the loss of traditional customs, since people do not pay them as much attention as before.[18 words]
Remember, being concise helps give you that ‘clear progression’ in your writing (= IELTS 7). That picture of a waterfall is actually complicated, but we don’t see it as something complicated. It is all put together in simple and recognisable patterms In the same way, if youcan make the same point in fewer words, WRITE THOSE WORDS! You then have time to …
move on,
say more,
and achieve more of the task.
Here’s some practice for you.
Try making the following sentences more concise.
The answers will be given and explained in the next post.
One
Crime rates have a strong association with the number of guns possessed by the people living in the society. If more people possess guns, the crime rate will also increase. [30 words]
Two
Gun owners sometimes use guns for mass shootings. There was a news report that in Las Vegas, there was a mass shooting which caused many people to die. [28 words]
Three
Nicotine is a highly addictive drug, which makes people want to keep getting more of it, and thus it becomes a habit which they cannot quit easily. [27 words]
Four
The youth think smoking is the way to behave which makes them look like an adult. [16 words]
Five
There are a variety of solutions which can be used to reduce the amount of smoking. The most effective of these methods would be to ... [25 words]
Six
This loses the good preservation of the home countries’ traditional customs, since people do not pay attention to those traditions in the country as much as before. [27 words]
Answers to Concision 9 of 30: Sentences
One
One of the main causes is that many people who live in this modern society have too much sense of insecurity about marriage. [24 words]
… becomes …
One of the main causes is the sense of insecurity over marriage.[12 words]
Two
Global warming is a fact, and there is much evidence which proves that it is happening right now on our planet. [22 words]
… becomes …
Global warming is a fact.[5 words]
Global warming is happening now.[5 words]
Three
Furthermore, there is another problem, and it is called global warming. Scientists have realised that global warming has become a serious concern all around the world.They need to spend more time to research this.[36 words]
… becomes …
Furthermore, scientists need to do more research on global warming.[10 words]
Four
Many people have died from diseases which do not have any treatment which has been invented to cure these dangerous diseases. [22 words]
… becomes …
Many people have died from incurable or untreatable diseases.[9 words]
Five
Another reason is nuclear power creates less greenhouse gas emission compared to fossil fuel. It does not emit carbon dioxide when operating. By contrast, coal-fired power plants emit greater amounts of greenhouse gas, which leads to global warming. [39 words]
… becomes …
Another reason is nuclear power plants create less carbon dioxide than coal-fired ones, thus mitigating global warming.[17 words]
The original had two sentences, but the second sentence just repeats most of the first. Thus, we combine the sentences, eliminating all the repetition. Check the meaning of ‘mitigate’ in your dictionary.
Six
In 2005, the product with the highest proportion of export was coal. [12 words]
… becomes …
In 2005, the biggest export was coal.[7 words]
By the way, you can learn more about me atwww.aisielts.com .
Remember, being concise helps give you that ‘clear progression’ in your writing (= IELTS 7). The picture above is actually composed of millions of small parts, but the parts fit together in clear ways, giving a simple (and beautiful) image, which we can all recognise at once. Think about that when you write. You don’t want lots of complicated words all mixed together to confuse everyone. You want a message which is clear and understandable. So, if you can make the same point in fewer words, WRITE THOSE WORDS! You then have time to …
move on,
say more,
and achieve more of the task.
Here’s some practice for you.
Try making the following sentences more concise.
The answers will be given and explained in the next post.
One
One of the main causes is that many people who live in this modern society have too much sense of insecurity about marriage. [24 words]
Two
Global warming is a fact, and there is much evidence which proves that it is happening right now on our planet. [22 words]
Three
Furthermore, there is another problem, and it is called global warming. Scientists have realised that global warming has become a serious concern all around the world.They need to spend more time to research this.[36 words]
Four
Many people have died from diseases which do not have any treatment which has been invented to cure these dangerous diseases. [22 words]
Five
Another reason is nuclear power creates less greenhouse gas emission compared to fossil fuel. It does not emit carbon dioxide when operating. By contrast, coal-fired power plants emit greater amounts of greenhouse gas, which leads to global warming. [39 words]
Six
In 2005, the product with the highest proportion of export was coal. [12 words]
Answer to 8 of 30: Sentences
One
The death penalty tends to deter people who may have the potential to commit crime. [15 words]
… becomes …
The death penalty can deter people from crime.[8 words]
Two
The death penalty can make criminals consider about whether they are willing to commit another crime. [16 words]
… becomes …
The death penalty can make criminals reconsider.[7 words]
Or we can use the same sentence as Example 1.
Three
… their studies in the future. [5 words]
… becomes …their future studies.[3 words]
… sales around the world. [4 words]
… becomes …global sales.[2 words]
… difficult for both their minds and bodies. [7 words]
… becomes …physically and mentally difficult.[4 words]
… specific teaching strategies according to their gender. [7 words]
