Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (10 of 30)
Remember, being concise helps give you that ‘clear progression’ in your writing (= IELTS 7). That picture of a waterfall is actually complicated, but we don’t see it as something complicated. It is all put together in simple and recognisable patterms In the same way, if you can make the same point in fewer words, WRITE THOSE WORDS! You then have time to …
- move on,
- say more,
- and achieve more of the task.
Here’s some practice for you.
Try making the following sentences more concise.
The answers will be given and explained in the next post.
One
Crime rates have a strong association with the number of guns possessed by the people living in the society. If more people possess guns, the crime rate will also increase. [30 words]
Two
Gun owners sometimes use guns for mass shootings. There was a news report that in Las Vegas, there was a mass shooting which caused many people to die. [28 words]
Three
Nicotine is a highly addictive drug, which makes people want to keep getting more of it, and thus it becomes a habit which they cannot quit easily. [27 words]
Four
The youth think smoking is the way to behave which makes them look like an adult. [16 words]
Five
There are a variety of solutions which can be used to reduce the amount of smoking. The most effective of these methods would be to ... [25 words]
Six
This loses the good preservation of the home countries’ traditional customs, since people do not pay attention to those traditions in the country as much as before. [27 words]
Answers to Concision 9 of 30: Sentences
One
One of the main causes is that many people who live in this modern society have too much sense of insecurity about marriage. [24 words]
… becomes …
One of the main causes is the sense of insecurity over marriage. [12 words]
Two
Global warming is a fact, and there is much evidence which proves that it is happening right now on our planet. [22 words]
… becomes …
Global warming is a fact. [5 words]
Global warming is happening now. [5 words]
Three
Furthermore, there is another problem, and it is called global warming. Scientists have realised that global warming has become a serious concern all around the world. They need to spend more time to research this. [36 words]
… becomes …
Furthermore, scientists need to do more research on global warming. [10 words]
Four
Many people have died from diseases which do not have any treatment which has been invented to cure these dangerous diseases. [22 words]
… becomes …
Many people have died from incurable or untreatable diseases. [9 words]
Five
Another reason is nuclear power creates less greenhouse gas emission compared to fossil fuel. It does not emit carbon dioxide when operating. By contrast, coal-fired power plants emit greater amounts of greenhouse gas, which leads to global warming. [39 words]
… becomes …
Another reason is nuclear power plants create less carbon dioxide than coal-fired ones, thus mitigating global warming. [17 words]
The original had two sentences, but the second sentence just repeats most of the first. Thus, we combine the sentences, eliminating all the repetition. Check the meaning of ‘mitigate’ in your dictionary.
Six
In 2005, the product with the highest proportion of export was coal. [12 words]
… becomes …
In 2005, the biggest export was coal. [7 words]
By the way, you can learn more about me at www.aisielts.com .