Let’s do ‘Concision’ Again, Okay? (10 of 16)

Remember, you need to make your writing as trim, neat, and defined as that hedge in the picture shown above. That means doing some work, as that lady is the picture is doing, to think before you write, to cut away words and phrases that repeat, are unnecessary, or unclear.

Let us use this post to ‘fix’ the ‘overwritten paragraphs’ from Post 9. Here is the original first paragraph.

Overwritten Paragraph

First of all, nuclear energy produces much less carbon dioxide than the other types of power stations while it is operating. That is, nuclear energy can go much further than other energy sources to reduce air pollution-related health problems. Besides, since it does not emit greenhouse gas, so too does it not contribute to global warming. The reason why nuclear energy can reduce the emission of pollutants is nuclear fission generates power without the harmful byproducts that coal, oil, and natural gas emit. [83 words]

I will change this to …

Firstly, the generation of nuclear energy produces no air pollution (including the greenhouse gas, carbon dioxide), thus improving respiratory health and mitigating global warning. [24 words]

83 words cut to 24! Wow! Why did I do this?

Well, the first sentence…

First of all, nuclear energy produces much less carbon dioxide than the other types of power stations while it is operating.

… gives the main point: nuclear energy = no carbon dioxide.

The second sentence…

That is, nuclear energy can go much further than other energy sources to reduce air pollution-related health problems.

… just adds the idea: no air pollution = better health.

Can’t these be added together?

Nuclear energy = no carbon dioxide or air pollution = better health.

The third sentence…

Besides, since it does not emit greenhouse gas, so too does it not contribute to global warming.

… adds: = less global warming.

Can’t this be added to the previous equation?

Nuclear energy = no carbon dioxide or air pollution = better health + less global warming.

The final sentence…

The reason why nuclear energy can reduce the emission of pollutants is nuclear fission generates power without the harmful byproducts that coal, oil, and natural gas emit.

… just repeats everything. So, we are left with…

Nuclear energy = no carbon dioxide or air pollution = better health + less global warming.

… which we can re-write into the sentence I gave at the start, namely:

Firstly, the generation of nuclear energy produces no air pollution (including the greenhouse gas, carbon dioxide), thus improving respiratory health and mitigating global warning. [24 words]

Well, 24 words is not a paragraph, so we really need to build this up, right. Do you remember how to do it? Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to think.

Approach
1	Why?
2	Result/ Consequence
3	General Example
4	Specific Example

Can you try these approaches, and rebuild the sentence into a paragraph? The next post will show you a possible answer.

By the way, you can learn more about me at   www.aisielts.com  .